The Swing Gang isn't recording the world famous podcast this week. Instead we are going into deliberations to discuss the podcast, the website, advertising and how Val Kilmer has lowered the general IQ of film. Ok you got me the last one was more of an opinion than an actual talking point. Tune in next week 5/2/11 for the blockbuster extravaganza where we will discuss past blockbusters, their ability to hold up and cover the upcoming summer blockbuster season. For now comment on your favorite blockbusters and we will mention them next week.

Why does Ebert like Water for Elephants?

Unimaginative, hyper-conventional criticism kills art in culture; and, nothing says hyper-conventional criticism like Roger Ebert's most recent professional incarnation. Ebert called 'Water for Elephants' "a classic story told in a straight-forward style." To me, that means it's a boring, slow, schlocky, over-dramatic, two-dimensional, rehashed, cliche-ridden piece of garbage. It seems like 'Water for Elephants' is the perfect movie to lull you to sleep on an airplane and just another excuse for Hollywood to try, in vain, to convince the world that Reese Witherspoon is compelling; she's not.

I used to love reading Ebert's opinions and insight, but that insight is long-since decayed. Now, he's just scraping to stay relevant in a time in which criticism and the medium of film is being altered by a quantum revolution in creation, production, and distribution.

Why won't Ebert just bow out gracefully? Why does he still espouse his nostalgic, conventional, outdated opinions, which I can't even call criticism because they're simply reflections of his own bitterness and struggle to recapture a long-lost, romanticized ideal of film.

Let it go, dude; 'Water for Elephants' is standard schlock and nothing more. Ebert, you were great once, but not anymore; get a hobby and enjoy your twilight years. Let us look back fondly on your illustrious career and leave criticism to those of us who better understand the culture of modern movie-making and the future that you're trying so hard to squash. It's over, bud.

Hot or Not? Two Rape Scenes

Super weird to see two rape scenes in the same Super-hero movie; especially so because one turned me on. Super good pacing if you're trying to get on the cute girl's wavelength; it was funny, brutal, fantastical, and hyper-real.

What happens when you create a Super-hero alter-ego to avenge your own mediocrity? Apparently, you slice off Kevin Bacon's balls and treat those who molest children the same as those who cut in line. Cutting clergy aside, Super good time at the movies.

Funny People

In light of our casting pods at the tv vs film issue on the most recent Podcast Of Love I have elected to waste my virgin Naked Crusaders blog entry on reprinting an old blog of mine that explores this subject in then real time. Then time. Better than real time because it was then. I wrote this in the exciting then-ness of life right after I had seen Pineapple Express and shortly after seeing Tropic Thunder. I even reference Brandon, though not by name. So it comes full circle. And it goes something like this...

...Two fairly hyped comedies have come out the past week. Both were pretty well reviewed as these things go. I speak of Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder. I’ve seen them both. And I have to say, if, as has been put forth by writers of greater acclaim than I (meaning they were acclaimed at all), these are the funniest movies of the past year, I think it is no wonder I don’t laugh much anymore.

THis should probably make me feel good. I was worried my life had stripped me of whatever receptivity to humor as well as ability to engender laughter I had. But maybe it’s not me. Maybe there just really isn’t anything all that funny out there. If this is the apex than Sweet Bloody Christ On A Stick we’re an unfunny people.

I guess it’s possible the worrying about the decaying of my own sense of humor and wit could be responsible for not thinking these movies are brilliant comedies. But I still think I have some review chops and good instincts left over even if I lack the hope, meaning, and purpose that used to drive them. And these aren’t great movies. And judging by the crowds I saw them with I wasn’t the only one not prostrate with guffaws.

And if you’ve ever been prostrated by a case of the guffaws you know what a bittersweet affliction this can be.

Now neither of these flicks was horrid. Pineapple Express is a stoner comedy from the Freaks And Geeks alumni associated with Judd Apatow. It’s in that vain. Apatow’s movie’s themselves have been acclaimed as the great comedies of our time. They are supposedly this generation’s John Hughes.

If so I weep for the future.

That’s a line from a Hughes movie by the way. If 10 people read this maybe 3 will have known that. If they are under 30 probably none of them will.

But who cares? Life moves on. Moves pretty fast even. If you don't stop and take a look you just might miss something and all that. Fine. But still if these movies are someday looked at as the Breakfast Clubs or Ferris Bueller’s of their time I gotta think we’re missing something and great comedy can now only be found on You Tube and Fox News.

And perhaps at the Country Music Awards.

Seriously, just the idea of it. Awards for the best Country music!

Shit that’s funny stuff.

Anyhow, Apatow’s Superbad was very well thought of last year along with Knocked Up. Both were ok. Really, really ok. But Knocked Up was pretty boring upon a second viewing on cable recently. And Superbad rarely prostrated me. It was a mostly guffawless experience even if a modestly pleasant one. It’s pleasantness I suspect was mostly due to Michael Cera who kicks all kinds of ass and who deserves to fuck every starlet in Hollywood starting with Megan Fox whom he should impregnate and then force to give the baby up to Angelina Jolie in return for Cera letting Jolie fuck him too. Because Michael Cera should violate every starlette in Hollywood and leaving them a quivering mass of ruined flesh. Because that's his nature.

Speaking of him, Juno even got an Oscar bid. Solid movie. Labeled a comedy. But again, not especially a prostrating experience. Same goes of those I watched it with in a theater in Rheinbeck. And if anyone knows comedy it’s the 6 figure salaried folks of Rhinebeck god damn it! I mean their Hannaford is so freaking clean and stately it’s got to be some kind wry ironic joke. These are a gifted people. And yet there were only appreciative chuckles.

Chuckles i say!

And I don't say chuckles often.

But I heard Juno talked of as a Say Anything for this generation. And I could kind of see that. But I still couldn’t help thinking this is sad. Say Anything wasn’t hilarious but it’s eternally quotable. Will youngsters today be quoting Juno 20 years from now? Probably not. They’ll have their work cut out for them just keeping track of all Michael Cera’s love children as they start coming of age and impregnating starlets at an exponential rate that future mathematicians will have to come up with a formula to track. This formula will feature the critical equation MC= S x F squared where MC is Michael Cera and S and F starlets and fucking that Cera has done.

Squared.

And at a velocity to be determined by his mass at the time.

If you know what I mean.

Anyway, back to recent well received comedies. I saw the first Harold And Kumar movie recently. Netflixed it.

With all these recent comedy viewings of mine you can probably tell by now that I have been pretty desperate to find something to laugh about here. And laugh I did. Occasionally. And decidedly without prostration.

When the fuck is someone going to do something for my prostrating needs!?

But the White Castle movie was still pretty damn formulaic and the humor nothing all that special. And yet it, along with the aforementioned comedies are highly thought of. At least for their time. So that’s why I wonder if we’re in unfunny times and if that’s contributing to my inability to form a smile.

Anyway I will touch on the Tropic Thunder controversy and say that protesters, and this includes my old sometimes current per diemey agency UG-ARC (as I found out tonight from a friend who works there), are really a bunch of whiny ass liberals without any sense of humor.

Now this may sound hypocritical in light of the previous passages of this post as well as my own ill formed attempts at humor in said post. But these people haven’t even seen the movie. It’s really not taking shots at retarded people. It’s making fun of Tom Hanks, Dustin Hoffman, and all the other pretty boy actors who turn in sugar coated version of the mentally retarded that have little to do with reality. But of course ours is a culture that deals in reality the way a cat deals with a mouse: pounce on it, kill it, consume the evidence and call it a meal.

Or something more analogous.

People don’t want truth and Hollywood is glad to not give it to them.

But some of these self involved do-gooders want to sway people from seeing a movie because they’re more liberal about retarded people now than about free speech. The Simple Jack and whole “full retard,” segment was one of the few truly funny and observant aspects of the movie and these idiots want it removed!

So is it all me or are we dispossessing ourselves of real humor? Did Carlin take it with him? Fuck, even he wasn’t always that funny. But he prostrated me at times and damn it what more can one man ask of another?

Back to retarded people: I frakking work with these people. Manage a program of 10 of them. I truly care for some of these guys. Have affection for them even. And the “full retard,” segment with Robert Downey Jr and Ben Stiller rang true and was damn straight on funny. Also echoed things I’ve said about Hollywood depictions of the mentally disabled.

And let me just say this now that I bring him up: Robert Downey Jr is the most watchable actor in film. Bar none. He rocks. Without him this movie would have been a total waste of time. The other great moment came with his, “For 400 hundred years,” speech to the other black actor, an actor probably destined to be known as that other black actor despite being the only black actor. This in itself is a bit of genius that redeems a movie that needed more funny and less blowing things up.

Speaking of good parts. Pineapple Express’s crucifixion joint was pretty funny. So was “Fuck Jeff Goldblum.” A few other things as well, but this still wasn’t as good as an episode of Freaks And Geeks of which this could have been a mini reunion with just the two freaks Rogen and Franco getting together and possibly not remembering that they hung out together in school and had a band before one became a seller of weed and the other a process server who smokes a lot of it.

But is was ok. And that seems to be good enough today. I’m ok, you’re ok, we’re all ok. But I don’t feel ok and though I’m not prepared to blame this on Seth Rogen or Ben Stiller, or even that Kumar fellow who was a terrorist on 24, I am serving notice.

But back to the greatness of Robert Downey Jr. In a recent interview he had the following to say about The Dark Knight:

“My whole thing is that that I saw ‘The Dark Knight’. I feel like I’m dumb because I feel like I don’t get how many things that are so smart. It’s like a Ferrari engine of storytelling and script writing and I’m like, ‘That’s not my idea of what I want to see in a movie.’ I loved ‘The Prestige’ but didn’t understand ‘The Dark Knight’. Didn’t get it, still can’t tell you what happened in the movie, what happened to the character and in the end they need him to be a bad guy. I’m like, ‘I get it. This is so high brow and so f–king smart, I clearly need a college education to understand this movie.’ You know what? F-ck DC comics. That’s all I have to say and that’s where I’m really coming from.”

Agree or disagree this guy is awesome and should have lots of babies. IF he were a woman he would be a perfect genetic incubator for Michael Cera DNA. But he, at the last, is a man. And a magnificent one who must merely stand side by side with Cera as sexual avatars of our humorless age.

And with Entourage about to start it’s 5th season next month it occurs to me that Jeremy Piven as Ari should be Michael Cera’s agent and help sign him to lucrative deals to fuck and impregnate starlets. Because that’s what Michael Cera needs to do and Ari would understand this and get it done. If you take nothing from this post let it be this that you take the least of: Michael Cera is too much man for Hollywood to contain for long. His seed is a the seed of the ages and it must be spread by the best and hottest women celebrity has to offer us.

'Scream IV' not just another scary movie

Wes Craven strikes again but this time the iron is so far from hot your tongue would stick to it. Despite just missing the top box office spot on its opening weekend this one is worth seeing. Albeit a world of remakes, reboots, and re-imaginings, another Scream movie was the last thing on my radar. The film series started in 1996 with the original 'Scream' that promised two sequels and in total a decent trilogy. The films were their own parodies placing you inside a world where not only are the characters aware of the rules of scary movies but the writer Kevin Williamson uses them to foreshadow it's own plots.

Scream 4 opens with two fake openings later learned to be scenes from 'Stab 6' and 'Stab 7', the fictional horror movie franchise originated in an earlier Scream film. If you follow the rules set out by screenwriting maven Sid Field then this movie is perfect having set up the entire film in the first ten minutes. The death of the four attractive, ditzy, scary movie watching, overly aware and annoyingly smug teens inadvertently prognosticated the main plot of the film as it led into the death of the first two actual characters. Just prior to their deaths they asked what a horror movie would have to do to reinvent itself. Well without spoilers that is what Scream IV does.

Today Oscar winners and rock stars, aging filmmakers and newbies cast their nets into the deep ocean of classic scary movies and remake them. Wes Craven gives us Scream IV and asks, "what if Scream could remake itself?" The standard filmmaking and narrative conventions are unaltered here and the characters follow the very archetypes these films strive to mock. The blond that should not open the door but does anyway; the buddy cops guarding the house. But the stand out performance is Williamson's script. With the use of the fictional 'Stab' movies as a kind of Hitchcockian macguffin, it creates the standard equation but the variables are aware that they are in an equation. The cops that go into the dark alley know that they would be dead, "in a horror movie" This suspends disbelief for you and your enjoyment is now based exclusively on the characters.

This is what categorizes this film in the end. A film like this tends to have little character development and Scream IV is no different. This itself is a fact satirized by the movie as it clings to the hope that fans of the original films can find some measure of depth in the characters they have come to love creating a kind of deciding factor. You will enjoy this film if you enjoyed the original. As for non-fans it is the definition of insanity to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. If you did not like the original you will not like this one. Do not go and see it. For those of you on the fence ask yourself if you can actually remember Freddy 4 or Jason 4 or Halloween 4 and if you care. In that answer is the answer to whether or not you should see this.

In the end this is Scream 4 and that is about it. I liked it as i liked the others and was happy to reconnect with my favorite psycho magnets from Woodsboro.

EPISODE: 6 or how TV killed the cinema star

Episode 6, brought to us by Naked Crusaders Productions and audible.com went off without a hitch. Sean, Mark Christian and i made up the 'Swing Gang' as usual. Sandy was not able to return this week but KJ jacked into the Matrix as a guest contributor. We started off in the pre-pod discussion answering Sandy's question from last week. "When did you last leave a movie theatre feeling up-lifted. "Second Hand Lions" and "MARWENCOL" were two of the films discussed. The news was light this week. mSpot Offers Netflix-Like Movie Club for New Streaming Movies, "Fly Away," Reviewed, and Sony to distribute next two James Bond films were covered in the lead stories.

The TV versus FILM segment was first introduced and the group debated the migration of talent from Television to Film in recent history. These are some of the links to the facts discussed:

For the latest list of cancelled or ending shows, go to this page.

New TV Shows (2008 - 2009) list

This feature

2010 Grosses - Box Office Mojo

CBS's CEO Discusses Q4 2010 Results - Earnings Call Transcript ...

I made my suggestion for dealing with another Scream movie and there is a review to follow.

And early birthday wishes to both Mark and myself. Join us in two weeks for EPISODE 7.

not nakedcocksaders.cum

Christian has been burning the midnight oil with diligent and skillful work on our website and his creativity and acumen has paid off. With the new changes and the 'Swing Gang' podcast in full 'swing', as well as our new sponsor and the pre production work on our up coming feature i have started to take stock of how far we have come and at the same time measure how far there is yet to go.

'Robert Trebor' is the tentative title of the would be film and the script is yet unfinished. There are many effects tests, and raw cuts from out web series, "Omniscient Being" still in production, and things such as location scouting and casting among the unknown waters Naked Crusaders Productions have yet to map. The road stretches ahead and behind in a metaphoric homage to the never ending work of this new venture.

Along with the work and reward is the simple enjoyment of describing to your friends and loved ones the details of following your dreams and feeding off of their positive reaction in a kind of emotive symbiosis. There is power in realizing a goal that may have taken some time but that was always clear. And some of that power comes from showing your family that you have arrived.

That would be the case for someone else's family anyway. There is a member of my family on my father's side, while happy for what we have done, seems unable to ignore his growing obsession with gay porn. In a very Freudian kind of projection he has expressed concern that the only people who will frequent a site named 'nakedcrusaders.com' are the people that like the male on male fare offered at standard homosexual adult websites. My Uncle worries that our original logo depicting three nude gold statues holding swords in front of their packages is not unlike, nigh similar to a couple of rainbow colored male hair stylists butt-fucking over the pink bones of Liberace.

This Uncle of mine is not homophobic. He is simply looking out for the Naked Crusaders brand. In fact i understand his fear. But if it is a production company you want, and it is our site you find, then as far as piquing interest there is no name better than Naked Crusaders you are likely to find. My concern is for the gay porn addict not looking for us. I would hate for someone looking for nakedcocksuckers.cum to stumble on us accidentally and say, "what's with all this film shit and where is all the butt-fucking?" It is that person clearly in need of something along a different line than what we offer that would be disappointed to find us. So spread the news. Tell your moms and dads, tell all the brothers and sisters out there. Tell every friend, person, man woman and child, that while we share the gay porn spirit of men together in solidarity for a cause, and don't mind one way or the other the existence of pornography of the gay kind, we unfortunately do not offer it at Naked Crusaders.

Click the link for Audible.com and help our sponsor as well as us, and check out our weekly podcast.

'Scream 4' PRE REVIEW: This is the fourth installment in the slasher movie series. The original film Directed by Wes Craven and written by Kevin Williamson was released in 1996 to stellar reviews and was said to have revolutionized the genre. The second was considered to be as good and the third was less popular with the fans.

This most recent installment is 11 years after the last one and seems to pull in a new group of teens to scare as well as reunite the original cast. The reviews from EW as well as Roger Ebert suggest a high body count and that comes as no surprise from a film series that exists as an homage to the slasher films of the 70's and 80's.

My thoughts are positive going in. There is a new trend in the current of modern horror that leans toward the paranormal. A return to the roots of the genre with a film that offers the simplicity of your garden variety psycho killer is refreshingly apropos. I am especially excited to have the opportunity to reconnect with characters I grew up with and see how the writer that created them will interpret their aging into grown ups. William's script will likely pit the wit of the 90's that defined the original with the new techo-social culture that defines the teens of today.

I am looking forward to this film and hope to grow and reminisce with old and new characters.

The BBC' Kevin Hay reported today that a short film almost 70 years old may have proved the guilt of a suspected Nazi. The film was found at the Cullompton Baptist Church back in 2006, and turned out to be a home movie featuring senior SS officers.

Dr Harry Bennett, associate professor of modern history at Plymouth University, has identified the main figure in the film as SS officer Walter Gieseke, a Nazi in charge of building a 1,000-mile road across Ukraine that cost tens of thousands of slave labourers their lives.

Dr Bennett says that the film made in 1943 shows the building of a road which became known as The Street of the SS. "Death rates were high amongst the Russian and Ukrainian workers, but almost all of the Jews were murdered. They were worked to the point of exhaustion, forced to dig pits by the side of the road, and then they were machine-gunned to death. This was an extermination programme." said Dr. Bennett. One man who was forced to work on the road was a Jewish artist named Arnold Daghani. He managed to escape, carrying with him sketches and paintings he had made, which he hoped would serve as testimony to the atrocities he had witnessed. Daghani fought for a long time to bring Gieseke to justice.
He escaped artist died in 1985 with the accused Nazi, a self proclaimed "pen pusher", never being proven guilty. This film could be the much needed evidence as well as the proof that once in a while film can stop evil as well as bring meaning to the life of a tortured man.

Marwencol

I want to live in Marwencol, the little town featured in the documentary with the same name.

This documentary illustrates the powerful story of a man from Kingston, NY who was beaten by five men outside a bar to the point that he incurred traumatic brain injury. After losing his memory and personality, he sought a therapeutic release through art. He created a sci-fi/alternative history world in his head and fashioned a real-life stage in his backyard, one-sixteenth the size. Using dolls to play parts, he recreated scenes from his past, present, and imagination. The photographs of his work have been featured in at least one NYC gallery.

Marwencol will make you forget all about Inception. Inception is predictable slop compared to this all too fantastical reality built by one traumatized genius in his backyard.

EPISODE 5: or the gang gets a sponsor

This week opened with the announcement of our new sponsor audible.com. The one stop shop for any audio book need. Sandy Hoffman joined the group and the swing gang discussed the genre of film that is most improved since the 80's. Some of the covered news included Alyssa Milano's 5 favorite baseball movies, as well as Bill Murray to Play Franklin D. Roosevelt in 'Hyde Park on the Hudson'. Sandy mentioned an older Bill Murry film that was later learned to be 'Mad Dog and Glory' Guest judge Stephen Hawkinson joined in arbitrate the debate when Mark and Brandon battled out the first annual Mega Douche between Kevin Smith and Tim Burton.

Hobo With A Shotgun was one of the upcoming movies mentioned as well as 13assassins and super8. We wrapped with the beginning of 'random filmmaking' and Sandy asked us to discuss the last time we left a movie feeling uplifted.

To read or not to read, that is the question

I would like to welcome audible.com as the newest and as of yet only sponsor of the Swing Gang. Our internationally enjoyed podcast is now brought to you in part by the pedaler of audio books that are downloadable to your mp3 player as well as your smartphone. Signing up for the free trial helps us keep the podcast going. Just listen to Zeke's testimonial http://tapparatus.com/hNBri0skJHZcZD9/?ref=nf

Is Being on Twitter and Facebook Like Being Catholic and Jewish?

Naked Crusaders has been on Facebook for some time but we have just joined Twitter. Suck it you web based social networking atheists.

There will be some news soon. We may have a sponsor for our podcast. Stay tuned!

Naked Crusaders Productions

Naked Crusaders Productions are well on their way to their first feature. As the production schedule hastens, the team works on smaller web based effects tests, mini serials and shorts in an attempt to sharpen their skill. The Naked Crusaders youtube channel is the home to all of the clips and effects tests. They also have a Naked Crusaders group page on facebook.

The recent tests for the special visual effects were to create a wormhole. Wormhole test one

was the first basic tests with quite a few flaws. But Wormhole test two was a cleaner attempt. Note the accidental coincidence on the cape blowing more as the wormhole opens, and less when it closes.

Check out the youtube channel and join the Naked Crusaders group on Facebook.

...and in this corner

This Monday is the Mega Douche competition where Kevin Smith and Tim Burton will battle it out for supremacy over all the other douchebags. Woody Allen's Asian step daughter/girlfriend, Roman Polanski's statutory rape charge, even Stanley Kubrick making Shelly Duval cry does not hold a candle to these two regular ends of the human digestive tract.

Tim Burton burst on to the scene in 1985 directing America's favorite pervert in Pee-wee's Big Adventure and started down the path that would make him known for the weird and macabre. He cemented his name in the comic book world with Batman, and Batman Returns, and stitched himself into the firmament of epic failures with Ed Wood and Mars Attacks!. In the case of the last two, the ironically chosen bio pic about the legendarily bad B director, and a spoof on the 50 alien invasion flicks that ends when the aliens' heads explode, the audience wondered if it was art imitating life or vis a versa. Burton tried a couple high profile remakes like Planet of the Apes in 2001 and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory in 2005. Proved by the weak box office none of those were in danger making the public like remakes.

It is worth noting that with Beetle Juice and Big Fish Burton has the potential to make decent films but seems to prefer not to. But even in the case of the few good movies, this anti-fan puts them in the 'even a blind squirrel finds a few nuts once in a while' bin.

Taking the opposing side is Kevin Smith. It is oft remembered that he broke on to the scene in 1994 with the Cannes success of Clerks. mistakenly suggesting it as his first film. Alas it is not true. Clerks was his first success but in 1992 he and Producer partner Scott Mosier made Mae Day: The Crumbling of a Documentary. What started as a legit attempt at a documentary turned to epic failure and the final cut of the film. What is said to be lack of preparedness ruined the feature and became what will always be his first movie.

With money from a fresh deal struck with Miramax, Smith completed what would be called the 'Jersey Trilogy', Mallrats and Chasing Amy and the last of his critical success for some time. The one note director juggled the only two or three original thoughts he ever actually had into Dogma and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back declaring the end of the Jay and Silent Bob era. 2004 brought Smith's first attempt at a film without the two loner stoners, but Jersey Girl still could get Smith's lips off of Ben Afleck's ass. With total critical loss and a world of fans asking "what the fuck?" Smith hid for two years and returned with the film he said he would never make and the first of many hypocrisies, Clerks II. It did well and resonated with some fans but not this one.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno and Cop Out make his recent filmography. Zack and Miri doubled it's money at the box office and got some decent reviews as did Cop Out. But with the last, it seemed more like a verb than a title.

That is the two contestants in a nutshell. Thanks to IMDB for the links and be sure to tune in to episode 5 or Freak and Silent Blob get bitch slapped.