I, Zombie; you, food.

Are you all just zombies? If aliens decided to colonize our world, would they eliminate us because of our swarming, mindless, bloodthirsty, simplistically over-reactive behavior? I bet they would.

In Haiti, article #246 of the penal code states that you’re not allowed to make a zombie out of another person; I wish American corporations were beholden to a similar restriction. Voodoo punishment, which punishes delinquents through zombification, paradoxically keeps members of society in line with societal norms. If a person steps out of bounds, they are bombarded with natural neurotoxin in a primitive lobotomy to zombify the individual.

In “Zombi”, one of the first of the modern zombie genre films, the Haitian voodoo goes viral.

Expanding on this theme, George A. Romero capitalized on the alien fever of the mid 1900’s and created a terrifying genre of zombie films that relied on an unknown, or ambiguous, source of walking undead outbreak. Slow walking sociopaths who feed on the flesh and brains of the living, much like the mindless, mallrat consumers of modern America. Not only a horror film, “Night of the Living Dead” kicked off a series that was as much social commentary as nail-biting good time.

Free thought is destroyed by the shared, sociopathic subconscious in the zombie-infested world. They reject individuality in support of conventionalist cannibalism. If you think we’re not zombies, think again.

Impervious to shrapnel, zombies require a head shot or conflagration. If their flesh-rot is slowed by the virus then winter will only slow them down. If not, hunker down and wait it out. If they survive the sea then watch the coast; you never know what cannibalistic corpse will wash up on the shore.

Some say that zombies are only slow-moving. Others acknowledge developments in genetic engineering and argue that fast-moving freaks are just as likely as lethargic, livid dead. I say they’re all zombies because they’re all too human.

There are so many zombie movies that it’s hard to categorize them all under the same umbrella. The fear of an entire population being turned into blood thirsty, moronic mutants is all too real for those of us who appreciate the potential of the individual and who decry the critical mass of conventionalist cannibals who have overrun our society. They satiate their thirst for blood by turning on the daily news and they feed on the pain and suffering of their own unnamed countrymen who are infected by the fever of foreign war. Go to the mall or a university and you’ll find more zombies than you can handle.

Head over to Marist college and you’ll find pretentious, parasitic professors pedagogically preying on pedantic pupils. Turn on the news and marvel at the malicious malady that is modern media. Be infected by insidious institutions surrounding us all or the viral videos infesting your once-conscious mind. I, Zombie; you, food.

The Swing Gang isn't recording the world famous podcast this week. Instead we are going into deliberations to discuss the podcast, the website, advertising and how Val Kilmer has lowered the general IQ of film. Ok you got me the last one was more of an opinion than an actual talking point. Tune in next week 5/2/11 for the blockbuster extravaganza where we will discuss past blockbusters, their ability to hold up and cover the upcoming summer blockbuster season. For now comment on your favorite blockbusters and we will mention them next week.

Why does Ebert like Water for Elephants?

Unimaginative, hyper-conventional criticism kills art in culture; and, nothing says hyper-conventional criticism like Roger Ebert's most recent professional incarnation. Ebert called 'Water for Elephants' "a classic story told in a straight-forward style." To me, that means it's a boring, slow, schlocky, over-dramatic, two-dimensional, rehashed, cliche-ridden piece of garbage. It seems like 'Water for Elephants' is the perfect movie to lull you to sleep on an airplane and just another excuse for Hollywood to try, in vain, to convince the world that Reese Witherspoon is compelling; she's not.

I used to love reading Ebert's opinions and insight, but that insight is long-since decayed. Now, he's just scraping to stay relevant in a time in which criticism and the medium of film is being altered by a quantum revolution in creation, production, and distribution.

Why won't Ebert just bow out gracefully? Why does he still espouse his nostalgic, conventional, outdated opinions, which I can't even call criticism because they're simply reflections of his own bitterness and struggle to recapture a long-lost, romanticized ideal of film.

Let it go, dude; 'Water for Elephants' is standard schlock and nothing more. Ebert, you were great once, but not anymore; get a hobby and enjoy your twilight years. Let us look back fondly on your illustrious career and leave criticism to those of us who better understand the culture of modern movie-making and the future that you're trying so hard to squash. It's over, bud.

Hot or Not? Two Rape Scenes

Super weird to see two rape scenes in the same Super-hero movie; especially so because one turned me on. Super good pacing if you're trying to get on the cute girl's wavelength; it was funny, brutal, fantastical, and hyper-real.

What happens when you create a Super-hero alter-ego to avenge your own mediocrity? Apparently, you slice off Kevin Bacon's balls and treat those who molest children the same as those who cut in line. Cutting clergy aside, Super good time at the movies.

Funny People

In light of our casting pods at the tv vs film issue on the most recent Podcast Of Love I have elected to waste my virgin Naked Crusaders blog entry on reprinting an old blog of mine that explores this subject in then real time. Then time. Better than real time because it was then. I wrote this in the exciting then-ness of life right after I had seen Pineapple Express and shortly after seeing Tropic Thunder. I even reference Brandon, though not by name. So it comes full circle. And it goes something like this...

...Two fairly hyped comedies have come out the past week. Both were pretty well reviewed as these things go. I speak of Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder. I’ve seen them both. And I have to say, if, as has been put forth by writers of greater acclaim than I (meaning they were acclaimed at all), these are the funniest movies of the past year, I think it is no wonder I don’t laugh much anymore.

THis should probably make me feel good. I was worried my life had stripped me of whatever receptivity to humor as well as ability to engender laughter I had. But maybe it’s not me. Maybe there just really isn’t anything all that funny out there. If this is the apex than Sweet Bloody Christ On A Stick we’re an unfunny people.

I guess it’s possible the worrying about the decaying of my own sense of humor and wit could be responsible for not thinking these movies are brilliant comedies. But I still think I have some review chops and good instincts left over even if I lack the hope, meaning, and purpose that used to drive them. And these aren’t great movies. And judging by the crowds I saw them with I wasn’t the only one not prostrate with guffaws.

And if you’ve ever been prostrated by a case of the guffaws you know what a bittersweet affliction this can be.

Now neither of these flicks was horrid. Pineapple Express is a stoner comedy from the Freaks And Geeks alumni associated with Judd Apatow. It’s in that vain. Apatow’s movie’s themselves have been acclaimed as the great comedies of our time. They are supposedly this generation’s John Hughes.

If so I weep for the future.

That’s a line from a Hughes movie by the way. If 10 people read this maybe 3 will have known that. If they are under 30 probably none of them will.

But who cares? Life moves on. Moves pretty fast even. If you don't stop and take a look you just might miss something and all that. Fine. But still if these movies are someday looked at as the Breakfast Clubs or Ferris Bueller’s of their time I gotta think we’re missing something and great comedy can now only be found on You Tube and Fox News.

And perhaps at the Country Music Awards.

Seriously, just the idea of it. Awards for the best Country music!

Shit that’s funny stuff.

Anyhow, Apatow’s Superbad was very well thought of last year along with Knocked Up. Both were ok. Really, really ok. But Knocked Up was pretty boring upon a second viewing on cable recently. And Superbad rarely prostrated me. It was a mostly guffawless experience even if a modestly pleasant one. It’s pleasantness I suspect was mostly due to Michael Cera who kicks all kinds of ass and who deserves to fuck every starlet in Hollywood starting with Megan Fox whom he should impregnate and then force to give the baby up to Angelina Jolie in return for Cera letting Jolie fuck him too. Because Michael Cera should violate every starlette in Hollywood and leaving them a quivering mass of ruined flesh. Because that's his nature.

Speaking of him, Juno even got an Oscar bid. Solid movie. Labeled a comedy. But again, not especially a prostrating experience. Same goes of those I watched it with in a theater in Rheinbeck. And if anyone knows comedy it’s the 6 figure salaried folks of Rhinebeck god damn it! I mean their Hannaford is so freaking clean and stately it’s got to be some kind wry ironic joke. These are a gifted people. And yet there were only appreciative chuckles.

Chuckles i say!

And I don't say chuckles often.

But I heard Juno talked of as a Say Anything for this generation. And I could kind of see that. But I still couldn’t help thinking this is sad. Say Anything wasn’t hilarious but it’s eternally quotable. Will youngsters today be quoting Juno 20 years from now? Probably not. They’ll have their work cut out for them just keeping track of all Michael Cera’s love children as they start coming of age and impregnating starlets at an exponential rate that future mathematicians will have to come up with a formula to track. This formula will feature the critical equation MC= S x F squared where MC is Michael Cera and S and F starlets and fucking that Cera has done.

Squared.

And at a velocity to be determined by his mass at the time.

If you know what I mean.

Anyway, back to recent well received comedies. I saw the first Harold And Kumar movie recently. Netflixed it.

With all these recent comedy viewings of mine you can probably tell by now that I have been pretty desperate to find something to laugh about here. And laugh I did. Occasionally. And decidedly without prostration.

When the fuck is someone going to do something for my prostrating needs!?

But the White Castle movie was still pretty damn formulaic and the humor nothing all that special. And yet it, along with the aforementioned comedies are highly thought of. At least for their time. So that’s why I wonder if we’re in unfunny times and if that’s contributing to my inability to form a smile.

Anyway I will touch on the Tropic Thunder controversy and say that protesters, and this includes my old sometimes current per diemey agency UG-ARC (as I found out tonight from a friend who works there), are really a bunch of whiny ass liberals without any sense of humor.

Now this may sound hypocritical in light of the previous passages of this post as well as my own ill formed attempts at humor in said post. But these people haven’t even seen the movie. It’s really not taking shots at retarded people. It’s making fun of Tom Hanks, Dustin Hoffman, and all the other pretty boy actors who turn in sugar coated version of the mentally retarded that have little to do with reality. But of course ours is a culture that deals in reality the way a cat deals with a mouse: pounce on it, kill it, consume the evidence and call it a meal.

Or something more analogous.

People don’t want truth and Hollywood is glad to not give it to them.

But some of these self involved do-gooders want to sway people from seeing a movie because they’re more liberal about retarded people now than about free speech. The Simple Jack and whole “full retard,” segment was one of the few truly funny and observant aspects of the movie and these idiots want it removed!

So is it all me or are we dispossessing ourselves of real humor? Did Carlin take it with him? Fuck, even he wasn’t always that funny. But he prostrated me at times and damn it what more can one man ask of another?

Back to retarded people: I frakking work with these people. Manage a program of 10 of them. I truly care for some of these guys. Have affection for them even. And the “full retard,” segment with Robert Downey Jr and Ben Stiller rang true and was damn straight on funny. Also echoed things I’ve said about Hollywood depictions of the mentally disabled.

And let me just say this now that I bring him up: Robert Downey Jr is the most watchable actor in film. Bar none. He rocks. Without him this movie would have been a total waste of time. The other great moment came with his, “For 400 hundred years,” speech to the other black actor, an actor probably destined to be known as that other black actor despite being the only black actor. This in itself is a bit of genius that redeems a movie that needed more funny and less blowing things up.

Speaking of good parts. Pineapple Express’s crucifixion joint was pretty funny. So was “Fuck Jeff Goldblum.” A few other things as well, but this still wasn’t as good as an episode of Freaks And Geeks of which this could have been a mini reunion with just the two freaks Rogen and Franco getting together and possibly not remembering that they hung out together in school and had a band before one became a seller of weed and the other a process server who smokes a lot of it.

But is was ok. And that seems to be good enough today. I’m ok, you’re ok, we’re all ok. But I don’t feel ok and though I’m not prepared to blame this on Seth Rogen or Ben Stiller, or even that Kumar fellow who was a terrorist on 24, I am serving notice.

But back to the greatness of Robert Downey Jr. In a recent interview he had the following to say about The Dark Knight:

“My whole thing is that that I saw ‘The Dark Knight’. I feel like I’m dumb because I feel like I don’t get how many things that are so smart. It’s like a Ferrari engine of storytelling and script writing and I’m like, ‘That’s not my idea of what I want to see in a movie.’ I loved ‘The Prestige’ but didn’t understand ‘The Dark Knight’. Didn’t get it, still can’t tell you what happened in the movie, what happened to the character and in the end they need him to be a bad guy. I’m like, ‘I get it. This is so high brow and so f–king smart, I clearly need a college education to understand this movie.’ You know what? F-ck DC comics. That’s all I have to say and that’s where I’m really coming from.”

Agree or disagree this guy is awesome and should have lots of babies. IF he were a woman he would be a perfect genetic incubator for Michael Cera DNA. But he, at the last, is a man. And a magnificent one who must merely stand side by side with Cera as sexual avatars of our humorless age.

And with Entourage about to start it’s 5th season next month it occurs to me that Jeremy Piven as Ari should be Michael Cera’s agent and help sign him to lucrative deals to fuck and impregnate starlets. Because that’s what Michael Cera needs to do and Ari would understand this and get it done. If you take nothing from this post let it be this that you take the least of: Michael Cera is too much man for Hollywood to contain for long. His seed is a the seed of the ages and it must be spread by the best and hottest women celebrity has to offer us.

'Scream IV' not just another scary movie

Wes Craven strikes again but this time the iron is so far from hot your tongue would stick to it. Despite just missing the top box office spot on its opening weekend this one is worth seeing. Albeit a world of remakes, reboots, and re-imaginings, another Scream movie was the last thing on my radar. The film series started in 1996 with the original 'Scream' that promised two sequels and in total a decent trilogy. The films were their own parodies placing you inside a world where not only are the characters aware of the rules of scary movies but the writer Kevin Williamson uses them to foreshadow it's own plots.

Scream 4 opens with two fake openings later learned to be scenes from 'Stab 6' and 'Stab 7', the fictional horror movie franchise originated in an earlier Scream film. If you follow the rules set out by screenwriting maven Sid Field then this movie is perfect having set up the entire film in the first ten minutes. The death of the four attractive, ditzy, scary movie watching, overly aware and annoyingly smug teens inadvertently prognosticated the main plot of the film as it led into the death of the first two actual characters. Just prior to their deaths they asked what a horror movie would have to do to reinvent itself. Well without spoilers that is what Scream IV does.

Today Oscar winners and rock stars, aging filmmakers and newbies cast their nets into the deep ocean of classic scary movies and remake them. Wes Craven gives us Scream IV and asks, "what if Scream could remake itself?" The standard filmmaking and narrative conventions are unaltered here and the characters follow the very archetypes these films strive to mock. The blond that should not open the door but does anyway; the buddy cops guarding the house. But the stand out performance is Williamson's script. With the use of the fictional 'Stab' movies as a kind of Hitchcockian macguffin, it creates the standard equation but the variables are aware that they are in an equation. The cops that go into the dark alley know that they would be dead, "in a horror movie" This suspends disbelief for you and your enjoyment is now based exclusively on the characters.

This is what categorizes this film in the end. A film like this tends to have little character development and Scream IV is no different. This itself is a fact satirized by the movie as it clings to the hope that fans of the original films can find some measure of depth in the characters they have come to love creating a kind of deciding factor. You will enjoy this film if you enjoyed the original. As for non-fans it is the definition of insanity to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. If you did not like the original you will not like this one. Do not go and see it. For those of you on the fence ask yourself if you can actually remember Freddy 4 or Jason 4 or Halloween 4 and if you care. In that answer is the answer to whether or not you should see this.

In the end this is Scream 4 and that is about it. I liked it as i liked the others and was happy to reconnect with my favorite psycho magnets from Woodsboro.

EPISODE: 6 or how TV killed the cinema star

Episode 6, brought to us by Naked Crusaders Productions and audible.com went off without a hitch. Sean, Mark Christian and i made up the 'Swing Gang' as usual. Sandy was not able to return this week but KJ jacked into the Matrix as a guest contributor. We started off in the pre-pod discussion answering Sandy's question from last week. "When did you last leave a movie theatre feeling up-lifted. "Second Hand Lions" and "MARWENCOL" were two of the films discussed. The news was light this week. mSpot Offers Netflix-Like Movie Club for New Streaming Movies, "Fly Away," Reviewed, and Sony to distribute next two James Bond films were covered in the lead stories.

The TV versus FILM segment was first introduced and the group debated the migration of talent from Television to Film in recent history. These are some of the links to the facts discussed:

For the latest list of cancelled or ending shows, go to this page.

New TV Shows (2008 - 2009) list

This feature

2010 Grosses - Box Office Mojo

CBS's CEO Discusses Q4 2010 Results - Earnings Call Transcript ...

I made my suggestion for dealing with another Scream movie and there is a review to follow.

And early birthday wishes to both Mark and myself. Join us in two weeks for EPISODE 7.

not nakedcocksaders.cum

Christian has been burning the midnight oil with diligent and skillful work on our website and his creativity and acumen has paid off. With the new changes and the 'Swing Gang' podcast in full 'swing', as well as our new sponsor and the pre production work on our up coming feature i have started to take stock of how far we have come and at the same time measure how far there is yet to go.

'Robert Trebor' is the tentative title of the would be film and the script is yet unfinished. There are many effects tests, and raw cuts from out web series, "Omniscient Being" still in production, and things such as location scouting and casting among the unknown waters Naked Crusaders Productions have yet to map. The road stretches ahead and behind in a metaphoric homage to the never ending work of this new venture.

Along with the work and reward is the simple enjoyment of describing to your friends and loved ones the details of following your dreams and feeding off of their positive reaction in a kind of emotive symbiosis. There is power in realizing a goal that may have taken some time but that was always clear. And some of that power comes from showing your family that you have arrived.

That would be the case for someone else's family anyway. There is a member of my family on my father's side, while happy for what we have done, seems unable to ignore his growing obsession with gay porn. In a very Freudian kind of projection he has expressed concern that the only people who will frequent a site named 'nakedcrusaders.com' are the people that like the male on male fare offered at standard homosexual adult websites. My Uncle worries that our original logo depicting three nude gold statues holding swords in front of their packages is not unlike, nigh similar to a couple of rainbow colored male hair stylists butt-fucking over the pink bones of Liberace.

This Uncle of mine is not homophobic. He is simply looking out for the Naked Crusaders brand. In fact i understand his fear. But if it is a production company you want, and it is our site you find, then as far as piquing interest there is no name better than Naked Crusaders you are likely to find. My concern is for the gay porn addict not looking for us. I would hate for someone looking for nakedcocksuckers.cum to stumble on us accidentally and say, "what's with all this film shit and where is all the butt-fucking?" It is that person clearly in need of something along a different line than what we offer that would be disappointed to find us. So spread the news. Tell your moms and dads, tell all the brothers and sisters out there. Tell every friend, person, man woman and child, that while we share the gay porn spirit of men together in solidarity for a cause, and don't mind one way or the other the existence of pornography of the gay kind, we unfortunately do not offer it at Naked Crusaders.

Click the link for Audible.com and help our sponsor as well as us, and check out our weekly podcast.

'Scream 4' PRE REVIEW: This is the fourth installment in the slasher movie series. The original film Directed by Wes Craven and written by Kevin Williamson was released in 1996 to stellar reviews and was said to have revolutionized the genre. The second was considered to be as good and the third was less popular with the fans.

This most recent installment is 11 years after the last one and seems to pull in a new group of teens to scare as well as reunite the original cast. The reviews from EW as well as Roger Ebert suggest a high body count and that comes as no surprise from a film series that exists as an homage to the slasher films of the 70's and 80's.

My thoughts are positive going in. There is a new trend in the current of modern horror that leans toward the paranormal. A return to the roots of the genre with a film that offers the simplicity of your garden variety psycho killer is refreshingly apropos. I am especially excited to have the opportunity to reconnect with characters I grew up with and see how the writer that created them will interpret their aging into grown ups. William's script will likely pit the wit of the 90's that defined the original with the new techo-social culture that defines the teens of today.

I am looking forward to this film and hope to grow and reminisce with old and new characters.

The BBC' Kevin Hay reported today that a short film almost 70 years old may have proved the guilt of a suspected Nazi. The film was found at the Cullompton Baptist Church back in 2006, and turned out to be a home movie featuring senior SS officers.

Dr Harry Bennett, associate professor of modern history at Plymouth University, has identified the main figure in the film as SS officer Walter Gieseke, a Nazi in charge of building a 1,000-mile road across Ukraine that cost tens of thousands of slave labourers their lives.

Dr Bennett says that the film made in 1943 shows the building of a road which became known as The Street of the SS. "Death rates were high amongst the Russian and Ukrainian workers, but almost all of the Jews were murdered. They were worked to the point of exhaustion, forced to dig pits by the side of the road, and then they were machine-gunned to death. This was an extermination programme." said Dr. Bennett. One man who was forced to work on the road was a Jewish artist named Arnold Daghani. He managed to escape, carrying with him sketches and paintings he had made, which he hoped would serve as testimony to the atrocities he had witnessed. Daghani fought for a long time to bring Gieseke to justice.
He escaped artist died in 1985 with the accused Nazi, a self proclaimed "pen pusher", never being proven guilty. This film could be the much needed evidence as well as the proof that once in a while film can stop evil as well as bring meaning to the life of a tortured man.

Marwencol

I want to live in Marwencol, the little town featured in the documentary with the same name.

This documentary illustrates the powerful story of a man from Kingston, NY who was beaten by five men outside a bar to the point that he incurred traumatic brain injury. After losing his memory and personality, he sought a therapeutic release through art. He created a sci-fi/alternative history world in his head and fashioned a real-life stage in his backyard, one-sixteenth the size. Using dolls to play parts, he recreated scenes from his past, present, and imagination. The photographs of his work have been featured in at least one NYC gallery.

Marwencol will make you forget all about Inception. Inception is predictable slop compared to this all too fantastical reality built by one traumatized genius in his backyard.

EPISODE 5: or the gang gets a sponsor

This week opened with the announcement of our new sponsor audible.com. The one stop shop for any audio book need. Sandy Hoffman joined the group and the swing gang discussed the genre of film that is most improved since the 80's. Some of the covered news included Alyssa Milano's 5 favorite baseball movies, as well as Bill Murray to Play Franklin D. Roosevelt in 'Hyde Park on the Hudson'. Sandy mentioned an older Bill Murry film that was later learned to be 'Mad Dog and Glory' Guest judge Stephen Hawkinson joined in arbitrate the debate when Mark and Brandon battled out the first annual Mega Douche between Kevin Smith and Tim Burton.

Hobo With A Shotgun was one of the upcoming movies mentioned as well as 13assassins and super8. We wrapped with the beginning of 'random filmmaking' and Sandy asked us to discuss the last time we left a movie feeling uplifted.

To read or not to read, that is the question

I would like to welcome audible.com as the newest and as of yet only sponsor of the Swing Gang. Our internationally enjoyed podcast is now brought to you in part by the pedaler of audio books that are downloadable to your mp3 player as well as your smartphone. Signing up for the free trial helps us keep the podcast going. Just listen to Zeke's testimonial http://tapparatus.com/hNBri0skJHZcZD9/?ref=nf

Is Being on Twitter and Facebook Like Being Catholic and Jewish?

Naked Crusaders has been on Facebook for some time but we have just joined Twitter. Suck it you web based social networking atheists.

There will be some news soon. We may have a sponsor for our podcast. Stay tuned!

Naked Crusaders Productions

Naked Crusaders Productions are well on their way to their first feature. As the production schedule hastens, the team works on smaller web based effects tests, mini serials and shorts in an attempt to sharpen their skill. The Naked Crusaders youtube channel is the home to all of the clips and effects tests. They also have a Naked Crusaders group page on facebook.

The recent tests for the special visual effects were to create a wormhole. Wormhole test one

was the first basic tests with quite a few flaws. But Wormhole test two was a cleaner attempt. Note the accidental coincidence on the cape blowing more as the wormhole opens, and less when it closes.

Check out the youtube channel and join the Naked Crusaders group on Facebook.

...and in this corner

This Monday is the Mega Douche competition where Kevin Smith and Tim Burton will battle it out for supremacy over all the other douchebags. Woody Allen's Asian step daughter/girlfriend, Roman Polanski's statutory rape charge, even Stanley Kubrick making Shelly Duval cry does not hold a candle to these two regular ends of the human digestive tract.

Tim Burton burst on to the scene in 1985 directing America's favorite pervert in Pee-wee's Big Adventure and started down the path that would make him known for the weird and macabre. He cemented his name in the comic book world with Batman, and Batman Returns, and stitched himself into the firmament of epic failures with Ed Wood and Mars Attacks!. In the case of the last two, the ironically chosen bio pic about the legendarily bad B director, and a spoof on the 50 alien invasion flicks that ends when the aliens' heads explode, the audience wondered if it was art imitating life or vis a versa. Burton tried a couple high profile remakes like Planet of the Apes in 2001 and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory in 2005. Proved by the weak box office none of those were in danger making the public like remakes.

It is worth noting that with Beetle Juice and Big Fish Burton has the potential to make decent films but seems to prefer not to. But even in the case of the few good movies, this anti-fan puts them in the 'even a blind squirrel finds a few nuts once in a while' bin.

Taking the opposing side is Kevin Smith. It is oft remembered that he broke on to the scene in 1994 with the Cannes success of Clerks. mistakenly suggesting it as his first film. Alas it is not true. Clerks was his first success but in 1992 he and Producer partner Scott Mosier made Mae Day: The Crumbling of a Documentary. What started as a legit attempt at a documentary turned to epic failure and the final cut of the film. What is said to be lack of preparedness ruined the feature and became what will always be his first movie.

With money from a fresh deal struck with Miramax, Smith completed what would be called the 'Jersey Trilogy', Mallrats and Chasing Amy and the last of his critical success for some time. The one note director juggled the only two or three original thoughts he ever actually had into Dogma and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back declaring the end of the Jay and Silent Bob era. 2004 brought Smith's first attempt at a film without the two loner stoners, but Jersey Girl still could get Smith's lips off of Ben Afleck's ass. With total critical loss and a world of fans asking "what the fuck?" Smith hid for two years and returned with the film he said he would never make and the first of many hypocrisies, Clerks II. It did well and resonated with some fans but not this one.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno and Cop Out make his recent filmography. Zack and Miri doubled it's money at the box office and got some decent reviews as did Cop Out. But with the last, it seemed more like a verb than a title.

That is the two contestants in a nutshell. Thanks to IMDB for the links and be sure to tune in to episode 5 or Freak and Silent Blob get bitch slapped.

13 Assassins eat cake

Poor people praise peace; pampered people praise pain. That's one of my take-aways from 13 Assassins, a new samurai rendition that begs the question facing a lot of us right now, "what will the the armed branch of the government do when the people are threatened by the establishment?" Chopping to pieces the haves and the have-nots and clears the path for the middle way, this throwback to The Seven Samurai halves over 200 screaming men during the last hour alone. 13 Assassins is part gore-fest, part contemplation on the ethical issues facing the armed forces. It's part dramedy and part tragedy. It marries hope to sacrifice and spawns an earnest need for dramatic change.

The set-up for the action is a compelling tale of demonic delusion that would make any viewer tear at his seat for blood. After decades of peace, justice neglects the evil son of a deceased Shogun as he tears through women all along the countryside in a manner all too literal. Sent to stop him from assuming the power to recreate the age of war are 13 volunteer samurai who make a stand together and unleash hell.

13 Assassins calls up themes of loyalty and to whom it is truly owed. It challenges the fundamentals of nationalism and asks that the nation be defined as the nationals themselves. It illustrates how the pampered and powerful are so far removed from the lives of the people that they simply cannot empathize with their plight. 13 Assassins says that there is a level of sociopathology inherent in those arbitrarily placed at the top. Loyalty, in the world of 13 Assassins, is owed only to those who've earned respect, not claimed respect based on title alone. GET THAT SON OF A SHOGUN!! GET HIM!!

Mega Douche Competition

On the March 21st podcast we suggested a battle between the man Mark considers the biggest douche and the man Brandon considers the biggest douche for the grand prize of mega douche. Mark has backed Tim Burton and Brandon thinks Kevin Smith should take the prize.

The next show, April 4th will have Brandon and Mark debate which one is the worst. After the leading stories they will each enter an opening statement that covers the deeper intuitive reasons why they hate there guy. Following the opening statements, either Mark or Brandon will start by making a specific point with a rebuttal by the opposing side. This will alternate back and forth for no more than four points. The competition will be judged by famed theoretical physicist Steven Hawkinson as a special guest in the studio. To be fair there are some rules to be followed: 1. no other roundtable guest may speak during the competition. 2. neither of the debaters may take personal jibes at each other. 3. Steven Hawkinson will preside as the neural arbitrator and his decision is final.

There will be a review of the charges of both of the accused. I will post a review of the worst of both Burton and Smith including links and stories in the coming days. And tune in this Tuesday for the showdown.

"Get your paws off me..."

HBO had 'Planet of the Apes' in it's evening line up tonight. The film, directed by Franklin J. Schaffner was based on the French novel 'La Planete des Singes' by Pierre Boulle translated as Monkey Planet. I thought it worth mentioning in a follow up to our Podcast where we discussed films and the novels they were based on. The original novel had an unseen couple on a spaceship read a message in a bottle that detailed the adventure of an earth man trapped 700 years in his future after his ship crashed. The apes found to rule the derelict planet reveal the secret history of the original human rulers of the world and the astronaut learns it is actually earth. In the end the couple reading the message are found to be apes themselves who discard the story as fake since a human would not be intelligent enough to write it.

The chief difference between the novel and the film is the setting. The film is set in America of the distant future, where the novel is set in the distant future of Paris. The change here is cosmetic and transient with little effect on the story or the impact of the message. There is another most notable change. In the novel, after the planet is shown to be earth, the mysterious couple seen to be reading the message in a bottle are revealed to be in fact apes draining the emotional impact to little more than permanent isolation of the human survivor mentally and physically. This also isolated the story to a forgettable one hit wonder.

However the film drew out the mysterious history of the planet as well as the secret of the fall of man. The final, wonderful, bitter moment when Heston's Taylor is read the cryptic quote from the Lawgiver exposing the true nature of man, and he find the half buried Statue of Liberty showing this wasteland to be earth is perhaps the most recognizable moment in modern film. The film used the ape culture to criticize the religious battle of evolution versus origin and at the same time wave a finger of disgust at man's destructive nature. This viewer puts this as film over book.

Another movie i caught again recently on HBO was 'A.I.' The film we got to see in theaters in 2001 was produced, directed and co-written by Steven Speilberg (Dick). It is of course famous for having been based on years of work done by legendary filmmaker Stanley Kubrick based on the short story "Super Toys Last all Summer Long' by Brian Aldiss. This is a case where the for personal reasons i give the vote for book over film. Now what you get in the film is an attempt to match Kubrick's sterile world and somber cinematography. But all i can see is Speilberg's (Dick's) rip off dressed up as an homage.

I am openly admitting my disdain here and it may have biassed my review. So when i say he stole work from a legend that was better off never being made without him and pissed on his still warm grave by putting it in that legend's memory, it may be because i am compromised emotionally. The reason i give this to the book is because Kubrick would have done better and that is all. The film was received well and made a modest box office draw, were the short story is not even known to exist in some circles. So basically Aldiss gets it because i will not give it to Speilberg (Dick).

EPISODE: 4 or the unbearable likeness of being an adaptation

Naked Crusaders Productions presents the latest edition of the world famous Swing Gang podcast. It had some big news and interesting brain seepage that started with the PREPOD discussion that compared the early thrillers from Alfred Hitchcock such as 'Psycho' to the works of modern thriller Director David Fincher such as his film 'SE7EN'.

Some of the leading news stories talked about included bio-pics, and Facebook.

Will Sasso, Hank Azaria & James Marsden Are Likely 'Three Stooges'

Warner Bros to rent 5 more movies on Facebook and one of the stories that we did not get to cover involved an Egyptian film that turns out to be much more prescient that expected A timely portrait of sexual harassment in Egypt.

In the segment 'By the Book', films taken from books took the forefront as the group talked about their favorite and most hated adaptations. 'The Great Gatsby', 'Congo', '2001: A Space Odyssey', and 'To Kill a Mockingbird' were some of the films mentioned.

Favorite DVD extras were picked apart in the segment 'B-Sides'. Kevin Smith, Sam Raimi and J.J. Abrams made the short list.

13 Assassins, The Bang Bang Club, American: The Bill Hicks Story were mentioned as upcoming must see movies. Enjoy the show!

Update

There has been some buzz for the upcoming 'Peep World' due out in theaters soon. This is the first of regular follow ups for films we discuss on the podcast. Peep World still has a fresh look to it with a cast of irregulars that will at least grab a few laughs.

Naked Crusaders Productions

Naked Crusaders is not just a web site home to the not so famous Swing Gang podcast. Naked Crusaders is actually the name of the amateur production company started by my best friend and hetero-lifemate Sean, my brother Logan, and myself Brandon. With an intense passion for film, and the notion that there are still good ideas to found, we set out to write, produce, direct and distribute our own ideas. Since September of 2010 we have been producing an original web series that will be called Omniscient Being, with rough cuts of chapter 2 and chapter 3 already available. We also plan to begin principal photography on our first feature tentatively called Robert Trebor.

Naked Crusaders took on a junior partner this year, Christian, who has been out technical advisor. He has been responsible for much of the software and is currently producing the Swing Gang podcast. Thanks to him we have the resources to make our own visual effects with the powerful Adobe After Effects. Test one is an attempt to control energy across an action shot as well as track light, test two is 100% CGI and has a planet eclipsing a sun, and test three is an experimental opening theme for a future project.

So along with regular essays on film, film news, and the podcast with the fewest listeners Naked Crusaders will also have regular production updates and links to new material. Check us out regularly and comment often. All constructive criticism is helpful.

Saturday Matinee Trailers

There a few interesting trailers out for films arriving in the next few weeks. We at Naked Crusaders tried to break up the list with a documentary, a scary, action, and bio-pic. Watch the trailers and comment on what looks god and what looks like shit.

The Three Musketeers is another version of the classic story by Alexander Dumas. But it can only be truly fathomed with the addition of a third dimension.

The Bang Bang Club is a bio-pic of four real life combat photographers risking their lives to tell the story of the dangers around the first free elections in post apartheid South Africa in the 90's.

American: The Bill Hic... is the documentary that captures the life of Bill Hicks. Called 'the comics comic', 'The Bill Hicks Story' takes new interviews and archival footage and tells the story of his life and influence with a new photographic animation techniques.

Red State is the newest film from Kevin Smith. It tells the story of a small town and the powerful fundamentalist preacher when a couple of high school kids cross his path.

13 Assassins is a two hour action epic from cult Director Takeshi Miike that drops you into the end of Japan's feudal era and the unemployed Samurai that are hired to bring down a sadistic lord.

A Place in the....Cemetary

Variety among countless other film newies reported that Liz Taylor died today of congestive heart failure at the age of 79.

Nominated for 5 Oscars, winner of 2, and more than that in marriages, she was as well known for her acting as her personal life. Married nearly as many times as there are decades in a century, some of those marriages involved stealing men from friends, and expensive binges. Her skill and dedication to acting as well as her charities and causes made her a fixture in the public eye.

EPISODE 3: or, will they ever like Gone Fishin

JJ ABRAMS

Naked Crusaders Productions presents: The Swing Gang. The only podcast confirmed to have no listeners. This week they discussed a quote from acclaimed filmmaker Frank Darabont and it's current meaning in Hollywood. The return to some old fan favorite franchises came up in the top stories with the discussion of Robocop and the new American Pie film. A new segment was introduced and the gang debated the Directors they have come to dislike. You know who they are. The guys who started off bringing you to the theaters with the force of their creativity, but have started to prostitute their name to make a worthless brand.

KEVIN SMITH

TIM BURTON

These filmakers made the cut of Directors we have come to dislike.

STEVEN SPEILBERG M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN GEORGE LUCAS

With Japan in the news for the recent tsunami strike, a spotlight was put on their contribution to cinema in a new segment, On Location. They highlighted certain filmmakers and individual films that brought a new dimension to cinema.

And two weeks from today a battle royal was set between Kevin Smith and Tim Burton. Both have had waning box office, both have had a cult following only to give up creativity for stupidity and both tip toe the edge between disgusting human being and slightly less disgusting. Who will end up on which side? Who will take home honor? Who will just take the cyanide tablet? and who is actually still reading this? We return next week, March 28th, but the battle will be decided April 4th. Tune in and check us out.

PRE-POD: remakes, reboots, retellings, sequels and re-imaginings

Frank Darabont is the critically acclaimed creative force behind the 'Walking Dead' hit on AMC. But before he turned his sights to zombie filled graphic novels, the thrice Academy Award nominated Director filled his time with Steven King film adaptations. His credits aside, it was something he said in an interview once that caught my interest. He said, "Im tired of seeing the same movie over and over again."

That will be the opening discussion tonight. Tune it in, turn it up and listen to some takes on the not so new remake trend, the fickle finger of film, and a spotlight on the films of Japan.

'Hereafter' afterlife

Clint Eastwood's 2010 somber answer to the ultimate question of life hit the retail market in the last few weeks. 'Hereafter' stars Matt Damon, Cecile De France, Thierry Neuvic and Bryce Dallas Howard with a script from Peter Morgan.

The film follows the story of three people and their connection to the unknown of the afterlife. Damon's psychic ties them together as they each ultimately wind up looking for answers. The 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami is the inspiration for the natural disaster that opens the film and sets the stage for the primary plot. The complicated sequence boasts quite a few decent visual effects needed to bring such a cataclysm to the screen.

What i liked most about this film ultimately was not in it, as it summed up to be wishful thinking on my part. For the record, i liked this film but be warned, the dried up anti-hero you are promised in Damon's psychic does not ride in to save the day. And the resolution between the boy looking for his brother and Damon's character is never actually resolved, not to the satisfaction of this emotionally invested reviewer. Instead this is and unremarkable movie not unlike any film study of a character trying to find a reason to believe in himself. Earlier i mentioned that i liked this film and there is a stand out quality to it. For the great effects, and Matt Damon's stand out acting i am surprised it was looked over by the Academy. If Jeff Bridges can get a nod for phoning in a luke warm rehash of one note anti-hero then Damon should have had some love. But what i liked most is what i expected to see but in the did not. There were endless opportunities for Eastwood to use this film to preach some self serving answer to what happens after death but he did not. Instead this film answered nothing, promised nothing and stayed away from spoon feeding pseudo-religious non sense. The film in the end was more about the characters than the question and that gave it character. Check out Roeper's review.

"Girl Walks into a Bar.MOV"

Here it is! The first film written and produced for distribution on the internet. Written and Directed by Sebastian Gutierrez and boasts a decent ensemble cast. Carla Gugino, Zachary Quinto and Josh Hartnett play the characters weaving their way through the ten interlocking stories that populate L.A. night life. Even the group of us in the swing gang have suggested Hollywood is destined to fail if they do not embrace the growing world of web base entertainment. This and more will be discussed when we return for our next podcast on March 21st.

Watch it and tell us what you think.

Roger Ebert hates Battle: Los Angeles

Check out what Ebert means when he calls this weeks alien invasion romp "Invasion of the stick figures from outer space!"

He calls it an insult to the word 'science', the word 'fiction' and even the hyphen in between.

EPISODE 2: attack of the clones

On our second podcast the swing gang focused on the gap between the Oscar season and the blockbuster season, primarily with the flood of comedy and sci fi/horror films. In the opening 'pre-pod' discussion we talked about Roger Ebert's article in 'News Week', 'Why i Hate 3D Movies'. The leading stories of this week covered the 'Superman' buzz and cleared the air of a lot of the rumor, as well as Alcon's purchase of the prequel/sequel rights to 'Blade Runner'

Joining the group for the first time is the famed cosmologist and theoretical physicist Steven Hawkingson and his thoughts on 'Iron Man 2'

In the 'sucks balls/worth a shot' segment, sci fi/comedy was represented again with discussion on 'Apollo 18', 'Arthur' 'Battle: Los Angeles' amongst others.

So if you love movies, hate 3D, have to listen to others for an opinion, or hate Robin Williams then give us a listen.

Next week we will talk about 'The Transcendent Man' and the changing scape of movies from the internet to screenwriting.

Ray Kurzweil and the singularity

After watching Barry Ptolemy's documentary inspired by Ray Kurzweil's book 'The Singularity is Near', i have new insight on Darwinian evolution as it is updated by the infusion of the exponential growth of technology. This film is as much a birds eye view of the new destiny of man and it's dystopian potential as well as the somber close up of a sick man obsessed with mortality.

'Transcendent Man'

I plan to mention this film and others on this weeks podcast. Check it out.

DE-ception!

When the trailer for Christopher Nolan's 'Inception' hit the televisions of the world we all saw it and got the same impressions. Some guy that looks like Jack from Titanic can go into dreams and take things. Maybe this time he can plant something, and this all revolves around his family. Now a few months after the deeply rooted hype, i have seen it. So after 148 minutes of undistracted viewing i realize that i got nothing more than that. Fake Jack can go into dreams. This time around he plants an idea, and it has something to do with his kids. A close and trusted friend suggested i may have bought the hype and expected more. In actuality i was hoping for more. I find myself wishing that Leo could enter my dream within a dream, within a dream and plant the notion that i liked it.

I will begin with what i liked and by extension get through the shorter list. It had an amazing script. As convoluted as i thought the final film was, there was a great deal of character and dialog driven exposition that took some serious skill. The film won Oscars for cinematography and visual effects and they were well deserved. There was an incredible scale to this film and it required a consistent look that only strict execution could pull off. As far as the visual effects go, when you see streets fold over on themselves and zero-G combat you realize there is not much you can do to top that.

Now on to the "disappointed" to quote Fisher Sr. I will cover the typical film conventions and what i disliked. First was the standard action thriller convention, gun play. When i go to see a Bond film i expect that Bond will dodge a thousand bullets in the typical romanticized spy way. But in a film as hefty as this i expect more. Some military training was alluded to, but there is no way Cobb was skilled enough to evade that much gun play Matrix style. I would suspend disbelief if it were not in such high volume.

Second i call out the narrative structure of the film. It has been suggested that the film was too complex to understand in one viewing and that only 'smart' film goers would get it. I did not agree. The fact that i do not agree is not my problem with the narrative. The fact that i found the film to be in fact so straight forward is also not my problem. My problem is that the basic forward motion of the plot unfolding in a clear A to B to C format rendered the dream navigation exposition convoluted and useless. It was so clear to me where the film was going i found the Ellen Paige 'everyman' character annoying and extraneous. Her lessons in shared dreaming and her insipid 'but why', 'but why' begging for explanation felt stupid. Let me take this time to complain about what the story seemed to be missing. In a film about navigating dreams it is a wasted opportunity to neglect the metaphor and psychological element. I stated the script was good but it seemed like there was a great chance there that was lost. I will risk the chance i will be called nit picky but i would be remiss if i did not mention the story pieces conveniently left out. Most notably the fact that we all tend to remember parts of our dreams. So i would question waking up on a plane with the 6 people that were just guest stars in one of mine. Also the fact that Cobb did actually kill his wife. He toyed with her mind, broke it, and she killed herself. He didn't push her, it may have been indirect but he caused it. That being the case, does he really deserve a happy ending? These are independently small issues but wrapped into one film make for a real pitfall.

Finally i close with the observation while this was a unique film, it is made up of lesser unique ideas. When you apply this to an actual equation it makes sense. Matrix + Oceans 11 + James Bond = DE-ception. This is not so much a complaint in the microcosm of my analysis, but in the macrocosm of Holly Wood and their bankrupt creativity i see more recycled ideas.

...and the Oscar goes to

Best Picture went to 'The King's Speech", best Director went to Tom Hooper for "The King's Speech", best Actor went to Colin Firth for "The King's Speech", best Actress went to Natalie Portman for "Black Swan". "Inception", and "The King's Speech" tied with 4 total wins.

Congratulations to all! In the little contest among the swing gang, Mark lead with the most correct picks, 5. Sean had 4, Christian and i had 3 and Logan with 2. It was good to see Kirk Douglas but it was an erie similarity to seeing Dick Clark ring in the new year in a grave robbing sort of way. My picks for highlights were Bob Hope and Randy Newman's acceptance speech.

Check out the link for any follow up Oscar stuff.

http://oscar.go.com/award-show

Pod-Prequel

BREAKING NEWS!

M. Night Shyamalan just won worst Director Razzie for "The Last Air Bender". The critically epic flop won for other worst categories as well including worst screenplay and worst picture. Comment at the bottom whether you love or hate this.

Also join us March 7th for our second episode where "The Swing Gang" will start coverage of the slow weeks between the Oscars and the blockbuster season. We will spotlight the best and worst of sci-fi and comedy. With titles like 'Peep World' , 'Paul', and 'Apollo 18' on the horizon and the new 'Superman' ready to make or break the teetering franchise, there will be much to discuss.

Peep World

Apollo 18

Also in the next Podcast the merits of 3D will be dissected with the May 2010 Roger Ebert article as our guide. Is it another money making scheme to pad the pockets of a bankrupt Holly Wood? Or is it truly a new 'dimension' in film making?

So for the listener input portion of the show we ask; what's hot and what's not in the world of sci-fi and comedy? What do you think of 3D? And with all we know about the new Superman, from the new face of the hero to the man who would be Aragorn signing on, is going to be Kryptonite or sun light for the Man of Steel?

EPISODE 1: Oscar Fever

Naked Crusader's presents "The Swing Gang" Produced by Christian King and Sean Skidmore and hosted by Brandon Schoonmaker. This is the first in our on going film appreciation podcast that follows Brandon, Sean, Logan, Christian and Mark in a conversation style discussion of film related news and entertainment.

In "Leading Stories" some of the major Oscar nominations were compared including 'True Grit' and 'Black Swan'

Another regular segment was introduced called "Sucks Balls/Worth a Shot" The merits of new to be released films were debated where the gang each decided whether it would suck balls or be worth a shot. The segment covered mostly superhero films such as 'Thor', 'Captain America', and 'X-men: First Class'

There were other films discussed but the superhero films stood out. Most of the group agreed that the films were worth a shot but also in agreement was the notion that Hollywood is out of new ideas and rebooting old ideas is all they have left. Or sucking comic books dry.

The podcast was wrapped up with the last regular segment where everyone suggest something new to check out or something that they were specially attached to. Christian opened the floor with "Monster"

Brandon suggested "Gasland" an Oscar nominated documentary

Sean went with a blast from the past and reminded everyone of 'Dances With Wolves'

Check us out next week. "The Swing Gang" Plan to cover the notoriously weak weeks after Oscar with the comedies and sci-fi on the horizon, the merits and pitfalls of 3-D, and the new Superman.

And So It Begins

The journey toward film making starts here. For now we have a page under construction. But there are many things to come. As we finish the chapters of our web series they will be posted here, as we produce out weekly podcasts they will also be found here, and our contributors will be posting regular film news, reviews and updates. I wont go so far as to say if you don't read this there is something wrong with you but Hosni Mubarak didn't follow us and you see what happened to him.

Test

This is a test of the naked crusaders' page.