13 Assassins eat cake

Poor people praise peace; pampered people praise pain. That's one of my take-aways from 13 Assassins, a new samurai rendition that begs the question facing a lot of us right now, "what will the the armed branch of the government do when the people are threatened by the establishment?" Chopping to pieces the haves and the have-nots and clears the path for the middle way, this throwback to The Seven Samurai halves over 200 screaming men during the last hour alone. 13 Assassins is part gore-fest, part contemplation on the ethical issues facing the armed forces. It's part dramedy and part tragedy. It marries hope to sacrifice and spawns an earnest need for dramatic change.

The set-up for the action is a compelling tale of demonic delusion that would make any viewer tear at his seat for blood. After decades of peace, justice neglects the evil son of a deceased Shogun as he tears through women all along the countryside in a manner all too literal. Sent to stop him from assuming the power to recreate the age of war are 13 volunteer samurai who make a stand together and unleash hell.

13 Assassins calls up themes of loyalty and to whom it is truly owed. It challenges the fundamentals of nationalism and asks that the nation be defined as the nationals themselves. It illustrates how the pampered and powerful are so far removed from the lives of the people that they simply cannot empathize with their plight. 13 Assassins says that there is a level of sociopathology inherent in those arbitrarily placed at the top. Loyalty, in the world of 13 Assassins, is owed only to those who've earned respect, not claimed respect based on title alone. GET THAT SON OF A SHOGUN!! GET HIM!!

Mega Douche Competition

On the March 21st podcast we suggested a battle between the man Mark considers the biggest douche and the man Brandon considers the biggest douche for the grand prize of mega douche. Mark has backed Tim Burton and Brandon thinks Kevin Smith should take the prize.

The next show, April 4th will have Brandon and Mark debate which one is the worst. After the leading stories they will each enter an opening statement that covers the deeper intuitive reasons why they hate there guy. Following the opening statements, either Mark or Brandon will start by making a specific point with a rebuttal by the opposing side. This will alternate back and forth for no more than four points. The competition will be judged by famed theoretical physicist Steven Hawkinson as a special guest in the studio. To be fair there are some rules to be followed: 1. no other roundtable guest may speak during the competition. 2. neither of the debaters may take personal jibes at each other. 3. Steven Hawkinson will preside as the neural arbitrator and his decision is final.

There will be a review of the charges of both of the accused. I will post a review of the worst of both Burton and Smith including links and stories in the coming days. And tune in this Tuesday for the showdown.

"Get your paws off me..."

HBO had 'Planet of the Apes' in it's evening line up tonight. The film, directed by Franklin J. Schaffner was based on the French novel 'La Planete des Singes' by Pierre Boulle translated as Monkey Planet. I thought it worth mentioning in a follow up to our Podcast where we discussed films and the novels they were based on. The original novel had an unseen couple on a spaceship read a message in a bottle that detailed the adventure of an earth man trapped 700 years in his future after his ship crashed. The apes found to rule the derelict planet reveal the secret history of the original human rulers of the world and the astronaut learns it is actually earth. In the end the couple reading the message are found to be apes themselves who discard the story as fake since a human would not be intelligent enough to write it.

The chief difference between the novel and the film is the setting. The film is set in America of the distant future, where the novel is set in the distant future of Paris. The change here is cosmetic and transient with little effect on the story or the impact of the message. There is another most notable change. In the novel, after the planet is shown to be earth, the mysterious couple seen to be reading the message in a bottle are revealed to be in fact apes draining the emotional impact to little more than permanent isolation of the human survivor mentally and physically. This also isolated the story to a forgettable one hit wonder.

However the film drew out the mysterious history of the planet as well as the secret of the fall of man. The final, wonderful, bitter moment when Heston's Taylor is read the cryptic quote from the Lawgiver exposing the true nature of man, and he find the half buried Statue of Liberty showing this wasteland to be earth is perhaps the most recognizable moment in modern film. The film used the ape culture to criticize the religious battle of evolution versus origin and at the same time wave a finger of disgust at man's destructive nature. This viewer puts this as film over book.

Another movie i caught again recently on HBO was 'A.I.' The film we got to see in theaters in 2001 was produced, directed and co-written by Steven Speilberg (Dick). It is of course famous for having been based on years of work done by legendary filmmaker Stanley Kubrick based on the short story "Super Toys Last all Summer Long' by Brian Aldiss. This is a case where the for personal reasons i give the vote for book over film. Now what you get in the film is an attempt to match Kubrick's sterile world and somber cinematography. But all i can see is Speilberg's (Dick's) rip off dressed up as an homage.

I am openly admitting my disdain here and it may have biassed my review. So when i say he stole work from a legend that was better off never being made without him and pissed on his still warm grave by putting it in that legend's memory, it may be because i am compromised emotionally. The reason i give this to the book is because Kubrick would have done better and that is all. The film was received well and made a modest box office draw, were the short story is not even known to exist in some circles. So basically Aldiss gets it because i will not give it to Speilberg (Dick).

EPISODE: 4 or the unbearable likeness of being an adaptation

Naked Crusaders Productions presents the latest edition of the world famous Swing Gang podcast. It had some big news and interesting brain seepage that started with the PREPOD discussion that compared the early thrillers from Alfred Hitchcock such as 'Psycho' to the works of modern thriller Director David Fincher such as his film 'SE7EN'.

Some of the leading news stories talked about included bio-pics, and Facebook.

Will Sasso, Hank Azaria & James Marsden Are Likely 'Three Stooges'

Warner Bros to rent 5 more movies on Facebook and one of the stories that we did not get to cover involved an Egyptian film that turns out to be much more prescient that expected A timely portrait of sexual harassment in Egypt.

In the segment 'By the Book', films taken from books took the forefront as the group talked about their favorite and most hated adaptations. 'The Great Gatsby', 'Congo', '2001: A Space Odyssey', and 'To Kill a Mockingbird' were some of the films mentioned.

Favorite DVD extras were picked apart in the segment 'B-Sides'. Kevin Smith, Sam Raimi and J.J. Abrams made the short list.

13 Assassins, The Bang Bang Club, American: The Bill Hicks Story were mentioned as upcoming must see movies. Enjoy the show!

Update

There has been some buzz for the upcoming 'Peep World' due out in theaters soon. This is the first of regular follow ups for films we discuss on the podcast. Peep World still has a fresh look to it with a cast of irregulars that will at least grab a few laughs.

Naked Crusaders Productions

Naked Crusaders is not just a web site home to the not so famous Swing Gang podcast. Naked Crusaders is actually the name of the amateur production company started by my best friend and hetero-lifemate Sean, my brother Logan, and myself Brandon. With an intense passion for film, and the notion that there are still good ideas to found, we set out to write, produce, direct and distribute our own ideas. Since September of 2010 we have been producing an original web series that will be called Omniscient Being, with rough cuts of chapter 2 and chapter 3 already available. We also plan to begin principal photography on our first feature tentatively called Robert Trebor.

Naked Crusaders took on a junior partner this year, Christian, who has been out technical advisor. He has been responsible for much of the software and is currently producing the Swing Gang podcast. Thanks to him we have the resources to make our own visual effects with the powerful Adobe After Effects. Test one is an attempt to control energy across an action shot as well as track light, test two is 100% CGI and has a planet eclipsing a sun, and test three is an experimental opening theme for a future project.

So along with regular essays on film, film news, and the podcast with the fewest listeners Naked Crusaders will also have regular production updates and links to new material. Check us out regularly and comment often. All constructive criticism is helpful.

Saturday Matinee Trailers

There a few interesting trailers out for films arriving in the next few weeks. We at Naked Crusaders tried to break up the list with a documentary, a scary, action, and bio-pic. Watch the trailers and comment on what looks god and what looks like shit.

The Three Musketeers is another version of the classic story by Alexander Dumas. But it can only be truly fathomed with the addition of a third dimension.

The Bang Bang Club is a bio-pic of four real life combat photographers risking their lives to tell the story of the dangers around the first free elections in post apartheid South Africa in the 90's.

American: The Bill Hic... is the documentary that captures the life of Bill Hicks. Called 'the comics comic', 'The Bill Hicks Story' takes new interviews and archival footage and tells the story of his life and influence with a new photographic animation techniques.

Red State is the newest film from Kevin Smith. It tells the story of a small town and the powerful fundamentalist preacher when a couple of high school kids cross his path.

13 Assassins is a two hour action epic from cult Director Takeshi Miike that drops you into the end of Japan's feudal era and the unemployed Samurai that are hired to bring down a sadistic lord.

A Place in the....Cemetary

Variety among countless other film newies reported that Liz Taylor died today of congestive heart failure at the age of 79.

Nominated for 5 Oscars, winner of 2, and more than that in marriages, she was as well known for her acting as her personal life. Married nearly as many times as there are decades in a century, some of those marriages involved stealing men from friends, and expensive binges. Her skill and dedication to acting as well as her charities and causes made her a fixture in the public eye.

EPISODE 3: or, will they ever like Gone Fishin

JJ ABRAMS

Naked Crusaders Productions presents: The Swing Gang. The only podcast confirmed to have no listeners. This week they discussed a quote from acclaimed filmmaker Frank Darabont and it's current meaning in Hollywood. The return to some old fan favorite franchises came up in the top stories with the discussion of Robocop and the new American Pie film. A new segment was introduced and the gang debated the Directors they have come to dislike. You know who they are. The guys who started off bringing you to the theaters with the force of their creativity, but have started to prostitute their name to make a worthless brand.

KEVIN SMITH

TIM BURTON

These filmakers made the cut of Directors we have come to dislike.

STEVEN SPEILBERG M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN GEORGE LUCAS

With Japan in the news for the recent tsunami strike, a spotlight was put on their contribution to cinema in a new segment, On Location. They highlighted certain filmmakers and individual films that brought a new dimension to cinema.

And two weeks from today a battle royal was set between Kevin Smith and Tim Burton. Both have had waning box office, both have had a cult following only to give up creativity for stupidity and both tip toe the edge between disgusting human being and slightly less disgusting. Who will end up on which side? Who will take home honor? Who will just take the cyanide tablet? and who is actually still reading this? We return next week, March 28th, but the battle will be decided April 4th. Tune in and check us out.

PRE-POD: remakes, reboots, retellings, sequels and re-imaginings

Frank Darabont is the critically acclaimed creative force behind the 'Walking Dead' hit on AMC. But before he turned his sights to zombie filled graphic novels, the thrice Academy Award nominated Director filled his time with Steven King film adaptations. His credits aside, it was something he said in an interview once that caught my interest. He said, "Im tired of seeing the same movie over and over again."

That will be the opening discussion tonight. Tune it in, turn it up and listen to some takes on the not so new remake trend, the fickle finger of film, and a spotlight on the films of Japan.

'Hereafter' afterlife

Clint Eastwood's 2010 somber answer to the ultimate question of life hit the retail market in the last few weeks. 'Hereafter' stars Matt Damon, Cecile De France, Thierry Neuvic and Bryce Dallas Howard with a script from Peter Morgan.

The film follows the story of three people and their connection to the unknown of the afterlife. Damon's psychic ties them together as they each ultimately wind up looking for answers. The 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami is the inspiration for the natural disaster that opens the film and sets the stage for the primary plot. The complicated sequence boasts quite a few decent visual effects needed to bring such a cataclysm to the screen.

What i liked most about this film ultimately was not in it, as it summed up to be wishful thinking on my part. For the record, i liked this film but be warned, the dried up anti-hero you are promised in Damon's psychic does not ride in to save the day. And the resolution between the boy looking for his brother and Damon's character is never actually resolved, not to the satisfaction of this emotionally invested reviewer. Instead this is and unremarkable movie not unlike any film study of a character trying to find a reason to believe in himself. Earlier i mentioned that i liked this film and there is a stand out quality to it. For the great effects, and Matt Damon's stand out acting i am surprised it was looked over by the Academy. If Jeff Bridges can get a nod for phoning in a luke warm rehash of one note anti-hero then Damon should have had some love. But what i liked most is what i expected to see but in the did not. There were endless opportunities for Eastwood to use this film to preach some self serving answer to what happens after death but he did not. Instead this film answered nothing, promised nothing and stayed away from spoon feeding pseudo-religious non sense. The film in the end was more about the characters than the question and that gave it character. Check out Roeper's review.

"Girl Walks into a Bar.MOV"

Here it is! The first film written and produced for distribution on the internet. Written and Directed by Sebastian Gutierrez and boasts a decent ensemble cast. Carla Gugino, Zachary Quinto and Josh Hartnett play the characters weaving their way through the ten interlocking stories that populate L.A. night life. Even the group of us in the swing gang have suggested Hollywood is destined to fail if they do not embrace the growing world of web base entertainment. This and more will be discussed when we return for our next podcast on March 21st.

Watch it and tell us what you think.

Roger Ebert hates Battle: Los Angeles

Check out what Ebert means when he calls this weeks alien invasion romp "Invasion of the stick figures from outer space!"

He calls it an insult to the word 'science', the word 'fiction' and even the hyphen in between.

EPISODE 2: attack of the clones

On our second podcast the swing gang focused on the gap between the Oscar season and the blockbuster season, primarily with the flood of comedy and sci fi/horror films. In the opening 'pre-pod' discussion we talked about Roger Ebert's article in 'News Week', 'Why i Hate 3D Movies'. The leading stories of this week covered the 'Superman' buzz and cleared the air of a lot of the rumor, as well as Alcon's purchase of the prequel/sequel rights to 'Blade Runner'

Joining the group for the first time is the famed cosmologist and theoretical physicist Steven Hawkingson and his thoughts on 'Iron Man 2'

In the 'sucks balls/worth a shot' segment, sci fi/comedy was represented again with discussion on 'Apollo 18', 'Arthur' 'Battle: Los Angeles' amongst others.

So if you love movies, hate 3D, have to listen to others for an opinion, or hate Robin Williams then give us a listen.

Next week we will talk about 'The Transcendent Man' and the changing scape of movies from the internet to screenwriting.

Ray Kurzweil and the singularity

After watching Barry Ptolemy's documentary inspired by Ray Kurzweil's book 'The Singularity is Near', i have new insight on Darwinian evolution as it is updated by the infusion of the exponential growth of technology. This film is as much a birds eye view of the new destiny of man and it's dystopian potential as well as the somber close up of a sick man obsessed with mortality.

'Transcendent Man'

I plan to mention this film and others on this weeks podcast. Check it out.

DE-ception!

When the trailer for Christopher Nolan's 'Inception' hit the televisions of the world we all saw it and got the same impressions. Some guy that looks like Jack from Titanic can go into dreams and take things. Maybe this time he can plant something, and this all revolves around his family. Now a few months after the deeply rooted hype, i have seen it. So after 148 minutes of undistracted viewing i realize that i got nothing more than that. Fake Jack can go into dreams. This time around he plants an idea, and it has something to do with his kids. A close and trusted friend suggested i may have bought the hype and expected more. In actuality i was hoping for more. I find myself wishing that Leo could enter my dream within a dream, within a dream and plant the notion that i liked it.

I will begin with what i liked and by extension get through the shorter list. It had an amazing script. As convoluted as i thought the final film was, there was a great deal of character and dialog driven exposition that took some serious skill. The film won Oscars for cinematography and visual effects and they were well deserved. There was an incredible scale to this film and it required a consistent look that only strict execution could pull off. As far as the visual effects go, when you see streets fold over on themselves and zero-G combat you realize there is not much you can do to top that.

Now on to the "disappointed" to quote Fisher Sr. I will cover the typical film conventions and what i disliked. First was the standard action thriller convention, gun play. When i go to see a Bond film i expect that Bond will dodge a thousand bullets in the typical romanticized spy way. But in a film as hefty as this i expect more. Some military training was alluded to, but there is no way Cobb was skilled enough to evade that much gun play Matrix style. I would suspend disbelief if it were not in such high volume.

Second i call out the narrative structure of the film. It has been suggested that the film was too complex to understand in one viewing and that only 'smart' film goers would get it. I did not agree. The fact that i do not agree is not my problem with the narrative. The fact that i found the film to be in fact so straight forward is also not my problem. My problem is that the basic forward motion of the plot unfolding in a clear A to B to C format rendered the dream navigation exposition convoluted and useless. It was so clear to me where the film was going i found the Ellen Paige 'everyman' character annoying and extraneous. Her lessons in shared dreaming and her insipid 'but why', 'but why' begging for explanation felt stupid. Let me take this time to complain about what the story seemed to be missing. In a film about navigating dreams it is a wasted opportunity to neglect the metaphor and psychological element. I stated the script was good but it seemed like there was a great chance there that was lost. I will risk the chance i will be called nit picky but i would be remiss if i did not mention the story pieces conveniently left out. Most notably the fact that we all tend to remember parts of our dreams. So i would question waking up on a plane with the 6 people that were just guest stars in one of mine. Also the fact that Cobb did actually kill his wife. He toyed with her mind, broke it, and she killed herself. He didn't push her, it may have been indirect but he caused it. That being the case, does he really deserve a happy ending? These are independently small issues but wrapped into one film make for a real pitfall.

Finally i close with the observation while this was a unique film, it is made up of lesser unique ideas. When you apply this to an actual equation it makes sense. Matrix + Oceans 11 + James Bond = DE-ception. This is not so much a complaint in the microcosm of my analysis, but in the macrocosm of Holly Wood and their bankrupt creativity i see more recycled ideas.